I wrote this collection about four years ago for my sister. I'm only posting 2 of the 13 so that you'll have something to look forward to:
1. SEXY GIRAFFE ABSURDITY: One way to really cheer your self up is to do something completely absurd in front of a bunch of people. For example, you could walk all sexy like up to a pillar or a wall or something and start kissing and caressing the wall then say, "Oh, I've always wanted to meet a really nice giraffe, but I never thought I'd meet one that was so handsome." Then spank the giraffe (wall or pillar) like you are whacking it on the fanny and whisper, "We'll finish this after work." Give it a wink and a seductive smile then go get a cold glass of water.
2. 007 ABSURD RAGE: Run down the hall on your tippy toes, and right before the hall comes to a "T" do a running summer salt and stop on your haunches with your pistol fingers pointing down the hall as if to shoot a bad guy. Then quickly turn around and aim the other way, just in case the bad guy is behind you. If you see him, make a gun noise. Then pretend you are out of bullets and dodge a couple of the bad guy’s shots. Now comes the fun part, smile really big at the bad guy and pull your machine gun off your backpack and liter the walls with bullet holes. You have to make the machine gun noises. When you are done, laugh, wipe the spit from your mouth (sometimes making a lot of machine gun noises makes you slobber) and say, "Yeah, you like that? Well I got more were that came from, sucka" (you gotta say it as if you were a black lady with attitude.) Blow the smoke off you machine gun, put it back in your back pack and walk back to your desk whistling the theme song of the Andy Griffith Show. If by chance you run out of machine gun bullets, don't worry, you still have your rpg launcher (rpg = rocket propelled grenades...they sound like missiles.) Some people's hand guns sound like lasers. Andi makes horrible gun noises. Your gun is not a laser, it is a semi-automatic 45. Oh yea baby, that thing has got some kick to it, so make sure you recoil after each shot or it won't look real. And feel free to be spontaneous. You never know when the bad guy might through a knife at you and you will have to catch it and through it back.
2. 007 ABSURD RAGE: Run down the hall on your tippy toes, and right before the hall comes to a "T" do a running summer salt and stop on your haunches with your pistol fingers pointing down the hall as if to shoot a bad guy. Then quickly turn around and aim the other way, just in case the bad guy is behind you. If you see him, make a gun noise. Then pretend you are out of bullets and dodge a couple of the bad guy’s shots. Now comes the fun part, smile really big at the bad guy and pull your machine gun off your backpack and liter the walls with bullet holes. You have to make the machine gun noises. When you are done, laugh, wipe the spit from your mouth (sometimes making a lot of machine gun noises makes you slobber) and say, "Yeah, you like that? Well I got more were that came from, sucka" (you gotta say it as if you were a black lady with attitude.) Blow the smoke off you machine gun, put it back in your back pack and walk back to your desk whistling the theme song of the Andy Griffith Show. If by chance you run out of machine gun bullets, don't worry, you still have your rpg launcher (rpg = rocket propelled grenades...they sound like missiles.) Some people's hand guns sound like lasers. Andi makes horrible gun noises. Your gun is not a laser, it is a semi-automatic 45. Oh yea baby, that thing has got some kick to it, so make sure you recoil after each shot or it won't look real. And feel free to be spontaneous. You never know when the bad guy might through a knife at you and you will have to catch it and through it back.
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